ENGLAND: THE OBITUARYAhead of the Game is picking over the bones of England’s latest ignominy like a hyena at feeding time. After we were knocked out of Euro 2008 the facts are as bald as Alan Shearer (or Steve McClaren without the hairspray). The former England head coach as he is now known has admitted it’s all his fault after facing the media today. Brian Barwick has promised to do a better job finding a manager this time – and our writers have been running the rule over last night’s fiasco / shambles / farce / humiliation / horror show. We’ve also got a competition for the more imaginative among you and some suggestions for your summer holidays.
McCLAREN FRONTS UP Curiously. Steve McClaren says he didn’t hear about the sacking until Brian Barwick called him at about 10.30 this morning which is 1hr 22min after AOTG and the rest of the world saw it on Sky News. In fairness that’s just the kind of finger-on-the-pulse response we would expect from the only man in the country not to realise Joleon Lescott isn’t up to it. He goes on to say he’s a better manager today than he was 18 months ago – so how did he get the job?
BARWICK THE HEAD-HUNTERBrian Barwick who looks increasingly like a walrus on Creature Comforts cross-bred with the Fat Controller will be given another chance to do what he so spectacularly failed to get right last time. The chief executive is to head the FA’s search for a new manager. Expect lots of stories about exotic foreign managers to be leaked to the press any time now before England settle for Martin Ling.
NO COMPENSATION FOR FANSTony Cascarino says that Steve McClaren should have done the decent thing and resigned - hanging around for compensation is about as dignified as Sophie Anderton’s latest career move (or words to that effect). If the former head coach wants to be judged on results. Cascarino is happy to let the former head coach have it his way.
WHO’S NEXT FOR THE POISONED CHALICE?Matt Dickinson looks at the options as England go in search of a manager. He reckons Martin O’Neill is the best bet – failing that there’s a Swedish chap at Manchester City who’s doing a pretty tidy job. Got a nice way about him smart suits knows what he’s doing. Worth a shout? OK only kidding – what about Jurgen Klinsmann?
MEDDLING POLITICIANSGordon Brown has called for a return to the home nations championship to fill the gap next summer. It’s not rocket science to work out why: as a Scot he’s watched Alex McLeish’s team compared them to the shambles he saw last night and is now rubbing his hands with glee. It’s easier than trying to get your head round the West Lothian Question (or taking responsibility for half the nation’s financial security).
INDEFENSIBLE DEFENCE“On a night when a clean sheet would have been enough to qualify to concede one goal was unfortunate to concede three was frankly pathetic.” Martin Samuel puts the boot into the defence after a macabre night for English football.
HOW THEY (DIDN’T) RATEWhich was more depressing? Watching Sol Campbell run like he was dragging a tractor through a field of treacle seeing Scott Carson fumble like a teenager tackling a bras for the first time shutting your eyes after Wayne Bridge had tripped over his own shoelaces for the umpteenth time – or realising that Peter Crouch doesn’t have a good touch for a big man he has a good touch for an England player? Read our player-by-player post-mortem.
LET OFF SOME STEAMAOTG is here to help you in your hour of need. We know how it feels to wake up in the morning with your week’s beer tokens traded in for a monstrous hangover and a bitter aftertaste. Vent your spleen in our furious fans’ forum.
PLUCK OF THE NORTHERN IRISHA heroic failure at the end of a campaign typified by organisation fighting spirit and brave failure. No not England or even Scotland – Northern Ireland. Nigel Worthington’s team were outclassed by Spain as they lost 1-0 a result that was irrelevant anyway after Sweden beat Latvia.
HOLLOW WORDS? Ian Holloway has apologised to Plymouth Argyle fans after confirming that he has opened talks about becoming Leicester City’s manager. Unlike most managers though when Holloway says he is “ever so sorry” he probably means it. He says the chance was too good to ignore.
BRUCE IN LIMBOSteve Bruce’s move to Wigan Athletic is on hold - because Birmingham City claim they are owed £225,000 by their former manager for an advance on his “image rights”. Are Birmingham cutting off their nose to spite their face?
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WE’RE ALL GOING ON A SUMMER HOLIDAYAOTG has spent the day – between taking occasional swipes at the dog ignoring messages from the jubilant Scottish girlfriend and rowing with a boss who refuses to accept that this is a national day of mourning best reflected in an editorial blackout - wondering what to do with a pair of EasyJet tickets to Geneva. Unlike Brian Barwick who according to his best bluster at today’s press conference seems to think £5 million in lost revenue is piffle we can’t afford to laugh off the price of a ticket that we booked early to save money – particularly as we could be out of work any time soon. So we’ve come up with some ideas of how we – and any other British football fan who was naïve enough to dream – can enjoy the Alpine nations without watching a game of Eurotrash. It’s either that or use the ticket as kindling when we burn an effigy of McClaren.
Rockclimbing - it’s the only way a Brit will climb a peak in the Alps this summer. Make sure you take your crampons because as McClaren can testify if you get it wrong the fall from grace will smart a bit. But don’t leave enough rope to hang yourself with. Yodelling - find a use for all that hollow rhetoric this summer. Cow-wrestling - a surreal experience perhaps but watching a field full of hefferlumps huffing and puffing to no great effect will be just like watching Frank Lampard and the rest of the England team - but without the egos. And they have three stomachs so enough for the fight. Sailing on Lake Geneva - all at sea in a position of responsibility? Probably best you learn the ropes. We’d suggest starting on something small – such as a dinghy or Yeovil Town. Don’t forget your life jacket. Wine-tasting - drown your sorrows in cheap plonk – it makes a change from having a coach who couldn’t organise a p***-up in a brewery watching a goalkeeper fumbling the ball like an alcoholic in remission and seeing the rest of the team run around in circles like a stag-do in Amsterdam. This website lists the best venues for a summer tasting in Austria. Tobogganing - going down hill fast without a brake should help England fans recreate that familiar helpless experience of supporting their country in a major tournament. And you can take part all-year round - unlike supporting England of course. Paragliding - throw yourself off the top of a cliff (if you haven’t done so already). Soccer camp - if you can’t do without the beautiful game and want to brush up on basic skills such as passing and controlling a ball this is the one for you. If you end up in the remedial group you might even bump into Wayne Bridge (if he doesn’t stumble into you first).
A COMPETITIONSum up McClaren’s tenure in three easy words and win … an organic vegetable basket complete with turnips swedes and carrot tops (get it?). And don’t snigger. AOTG spent a lot of time thinking about that prize. We were going to offer those plane tickets (but that seemed cruel) while we also looked at a damp squib a Uefa Pro Licence (they’re giving them away these days - to everyone except Avram Grant) and a bottle of Valium and a copy of Cashley Cole’s autobiography (the Valium and My Defence would have come together - you’ll understand why). Obviously we don’t want swear words or potty mouths so it’s not as easy as it seems. E-mail your visceral verbal volleys to:
HATE MAIL (AND YES. WE DESERVE IT)Like worms in the rain all our old enemies are wriggling up from the sodden Wembley turf. Just when we’d moved out of our dingy bunker and back into the luxury of Times House. Cyril Cyrillic and his Russian friends have fired up their internet connections to bombard us with another batch of inchoate e-mails. Here’s a taste of what we have to put up with: “Receive w!$%e [we’ll give you a clue it rhymes with door] English! You are punished for the arrogance fascists! Russia for Euro-2008 and you suck [something with the letters written backwards] at Russian people))) the SHAME to YOU!!!”Can’t say we don’t deserve it even if we don’t understand it. And it’s better than the ones we’re getting from Haggis McTartan in Loch Wherever.
What you need to know: 1) England have been knocked out of Euro 2008 the £757 million home of football has a pitch like a World War I battlefield and some bloke has lost a couple of discs with our bank account details – but somehow AOTG’s day has still managed to go from bad to worse. 2) We’ve got tickets to see Amy Winehouse tonight and the “troubled” singer whose idea of a full set is a brandy gin whisky cointreau crème de menthe sambuca and vodka cocktail has been pictured with a blob of white powder up her nose. 3) That means we’ve got less chance of a decent performance at the Brixton Academy tonight than your average England fan.
SINGING IN THE RAINSomething to cheer up McClaren – and a suitable use for that ridiculous umbrella. AOTG has known plenty of players too scared to get their kit dirty – but a football manager who’s not prepared to get his hair wet? Shambles. Anyway it was that or highlights of some park match that happened last night.
STANDING TALL WHEN IT MATTERSOK we couldn’t resist it. The one moment of genuine class from an England player last night. Peter Crouch ends the doubts about his temperament by scoring when it matters. And our favourite bit? Hear the commentator bravely predict that he’s saved the team from humiliation…
16-1The odds on Alan Shearer becoming England manager. On a dark day this is depressing enough to blot out the sun. Surely someone on the FA board has heard him on Match of the Day chuntering on like an accountant with a particularly challenging tax return to complete.
Tony Cascarino football’s agony uncle has been answering your questions again. Bizarrely no letters from a Steve M in Teesside. Martin Samuel asked whether football grounds were a breeding ground for the small-minded in this week’s Game Debate and it’s fair to say some of your messages (unwittingly) proved his point. Our Chief Football Correspondent tears into your comments. Jamie Carragher brings his Scouse nous to bear on the issue of foreign players on TheGame Podcast this week. Matt Dickinson and Mark Pougatch also join Gabriele Marcotti and Guillem Balague.
Another massive disapointment as an England fan... If we're honest we should all be used to it by now! But the big question is... Who on earth would want this job? Would a big name manager want to risk his reputation? I dont think so.. altho the job add might be appealing.... Wanted: Man needed to guide hapless team to the World Cup in 2010 in South Africa job includes free travel and entry to all football matches even Mickey Mouse games in LA and if you don’t get the team to the finals no worries we'll give u millions in payoff clauses for..... Seriously though the worrying thing for me is if this is the current state of English football i say keep all the foreigners could you imagine the premiership like last night week in week out!!! What also made me laugh was hearing the players say before the match that they were ready for this game all prepared for the match.. does that mean the training sessions where spent playing "who can hit crouchy's head from furthest away?" Mr Wenger are country needs you.
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